We Need a New Candidate: Tom Hanks

O Tempora! O Mores!   All these divisions in our poor country! All this squabbling and name calling! And now with Scalia’s death, it’s even worse.

There’s only one guy who can bring this country together, and it ain’t Michael Bloomberg. I hereby nominate, that great American patriot, who has shown us again and again that he is a leader, a hero, a husband, a loyal friend.   Ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about Tom Hanks.   Tom, save us, like you saved Private Ryan, like you saved the crew of Apollo 13, and that ship full of Somali pirates, like you saved yourself from that desert island. You proved that immigrants can be loveable in The Terminal. You taught us compassion for gay men in Philadelphia, and that even someone as alien as a mermaid needs our love.    You’re Walt Disney, Robert Langdon, and Sherrif Woody all rolled into one!   We need you, Tom!  Step up to the plate like you did in A League of Their Own, and save this poor nation of ours!   You’ve got my vote!

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