I originally posted a version of this back in February, but with the vote recounts, rising hysteria, and all-important electoral college vote on Dec. 19th, the time seemed right to reprise it with some small alterations.
All these divisions in our poor country! All this squabbling and name calling! And now with the electoral college vote looming, it’s worse than ever. Our country is Humpty-Dumpty, wobbling on the wall, and once it falls, who will ever put the pieces back together again?
There’s only one person who can rescue this country, and it ain’t Jill Stein. Clearly our star-struck citizens want a celebrity, not a statesman, so…. I hereby nominate, that great American patriot, who has shown us again and again that he is a leader, a hero, a husband, a loyal friend. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about Tom Hanks. Tom, save us, like you saved Private Ryan, like you saved the crew of Apollo 13, and that ship full of Somali pirates, like you saved yourself from that desert island. You proved that immigrants can be loveable in The Terminal. You taught us compassion for gay men in Philadelphia, and that even someone as alien as a mermaid needs our love. You’re Walt Disney, Robert Langdon, and Sherriff Woody all rolled into one! And—wait for it— you’re a cousin of Abraham Lincoln through his mother, Nancy Hanks! Wow! It’s like he’s at the crossroads of celebrity!
We need you, Tom! Step up to the plate like you did in A League of Their Own, and save this poor nation of ours! Announce your candidacy for president immediately and there isn’t an elector in that much-maligned college who wouldn’t put you in the White House on January 20th.